Not To Keep
by Crimson-Butterfly89
Summary: Another Order fanfic competition 2009. This is my entry for the challenge category. Leon x Ada, set one month after the destruction of Raccoon City. Leon and Ada must both say goodbye to the past and start a new beginning, but can they let go of the past?


_This is my entry into the Another Order Forum for the Resident Evil Fanfiction Competition 2009. Lyrics used are from Guns N' Roses' 'This I Love' from the album Chineese Democracy. All credit goes to CrimsonButterfly89 and Revolution Zwei, Resident Evil and all its concepts are copyright to Capcom. Please enjoy and leave a review! _

_Crimson xx_

* * *

**Not to Keep**

She sat on the ledge, looking down on the metropolis below her. Her right leg hung over the side, swinging lightly as if the cold night wind was gently rocking it back and forth, comforting her like a mother would rock a cradle to comfort her baby.

"There, there" it said to her. "But it's time to move on"

She wrapped her oversized sweatshirt tighter to her body, trapping the heat in and soothing her goose pimples. Her hair fluttered from its feathery tips, obscuring her vision, as if it didn't want her to see what she was looking at. Nature it seemed, was trying to protect her tonight. Mother earth was trying to help her move on.

_But what if I don't want to_.

She turned the volume up on her iPod as the beautiful husky tones of Guns N' Roses' lead singer drifted through her ears. She had always loved this song and it had gotten her through some hard times in the past, yet somehow Ada knew music wasn't going to be enough this time.

_And it might not be wise  
I'd still have to try  
With all the love I have inside  
I can't deny…_

She let her bare feet rest on the concrete ledge, scrunching her toes together at its coldness. The ends of her silky dress danced wildly from between her legs, exposing the creamy white skin of her calf muscles. She pushed her hair behind her ears as it fluttered with life as the wind caressed the soft strands. She slumped her back against the brick wall, her normally confident and almost feline posture oddly compressed; almost as if the weight in her heart had overtaken her sleekness. She sighed deeply and let her shoulders drop, her eyes gazing up at the sky, her mind wandering off into the distance to find the one person she knew she couldn't have.

She had wanted so much to have him once again, as she had done for that brief night one month ago, but she knew he was dangerous territory now, and for all intentions of the entire US government and Umbrella to boot, so was she. She stood up slowly, still not drawing herself to her full height, and balanced on the edge of the rooftops cold concrete ledge. She spread her feet wide and tightened her core muscles to increase her balance. There were no railings on the 25 storey building; if she fell there was nobody there to catch her. She would surely be killed from the fall alone.

_I've been through worse_

She stood facing the building opposite, searching its windows until she counted third from the right, seven floors up. She realised that at last, the light had been switched on and the room was being occupied. She had been ordered to stop watching him months ago, when the agency had realised there was something more still lingering beneath the surface for these two. Realising the events of that terrible night not so long ago had bonded them in a way psychological examinations and mental therapy could not penetrate. Still, to this day, she could not sleep at night without seeing his face though the lens of her cameras. Tonight though, she only needed her naked eyes to see him, because it was going to be the last time she would ever look at him.

"I didn't want it to end this way"

A well of tears filled up within her, crashing waves the size of typhoons inside her, yet she refused to shed a single one. She had no emotions any more, not for this man. He doesn't exist, and he never did. She was just a killer, a cold hearted spy doing her job. She hadn't felt anything when she had lain in his arms half conscious and dying, felt nothing when she used the last ounce of strength to tell him she loved him and for the first time in her life, kissed somebody without wanting something in return. Tonight, Ada was saying goodbye to Leon S Kennedy, the only man she had ever loved.

The cold harsh wind blasted over her, pushing her to move on, to let go start her new, empty life without him. She was not allowed contact with him, and she knew she couldn't risk exposing herself to him, for if anybody, let alone Leon found out she was alive she was as good as dead. It was for her own good, as her grandmother once said; "The heart can't mourn what the eyes can't see".

_And she holds her pain inside  
So if you ask me why  
She wouldn't say goodbye  
I know somewhere inside  
There is a special light  
Still shining bright  
And even on the darkest night  
She can't deny…_

"See you around"

Even though she had said her goodbye, she allowed herself to linger for a few more moments, taking in the dark silhouette of a man she hardly knew before she forgot him forever. A single tear slipped down her check unbeknownst to her, the wind sweeping it away the moment it spilled across her skin. For now, she would have to live with the fact that Leon was once hers, but not to keep.

* * *

Leon stared at the bottle in his hands, the small print on the label forcing him to squint his tired eyes to read it. He twisted the cap, pushing down simultaneously to remove the safety. The red and white tablets spilled into the palm of his waiting hand, the last four or five in the bottle were all that remained of his pain killers. He threw two of them into his other hand, squeezing the bottle between his thumb and forefinger. He slapped his palm to his mouth, knocking back the large capsules. They hurt his throat as they went down, practically stretching it out as they forced their way into his system. They left their ghostly impression on his oesophagus as he bitterly wished he had taken them with water, as he was instructed to do so.

Since he had his operation on his left shoulder, these tablets had controlled his physical pain, but soon he would not need them. Soon he would be on his own, coping with the aches and pains that the scar had left behind. For now, he still had his anti depressant tablets – the doctors had stocked his bathroom cabinet with those little beauties to last him the next six years. The way Leon felt tonight, he was going to be popping pills till he was sixty.

_Stop being such a baby, yeah, what you went through that night was terrible, but let's face it… THAT'S not what's bothering you is it?_

Leon knew there was no point lying to the doctors or himself any more. The pills weren't the answer to his problems. He was. It had been months now since he had held the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his arms as he watched her slip away from him as quickly as she had came. He knew by now it was time for him to put that whole night behind him and start getting on with his life – his new life and his new career.

He placed the remaining tablets back into the bottle and placed them down on the shelf above his entertainment centre. The silence that filled his apartment these days was unbearable; it seemed to scream out at him that he was a failure for being so alone, for _allowing_ himself to be alone. He pressed the power button on his stereo and pressed the play button, letting the CD player load the first track of whatever CD he had left in there. He immediately recognised the opening bars to one of his favourite songs. He let the music fill the empty apartment, as he wandered over to the window and began to gaze up at the night sky. He let his thoughts of her wander off to the blackness above him, and he wished more than anything that he could follow them.

_So if she's somewhere near me  
I hope to God she hears me  
There's no one else could ever make me feel  
I'm so alive  
I hoped she'd never leave me  
Please God you must believe me  
I've searched the universe and found myself  
Within' her eyes_

A shadow on one of the rooftops darted across his vision as he scanned the night sky. He could have sworn that shadow moved. He glanced over at the spot opposite his apartment where he saw…

_Nothing_

A dull knock on his thick wooden door disturbed his thoughts.

"Who is it? He barked in the general direction of the door.

"Pizza, dude!"

Leon grabbed some money off the table – advance pay for his government training, starting next week. He peered through the peephole and saw a slack-jawed teenager balancing a pizza box unsteadily on his arm. Leon had resorted to living off of pizza and takeout food ever since he escaped from Raccoon. After almost being killed in the equivalent of zombie Armageddon, he had neither the desire nor the capacity to cook anymore. He had no desire to do anything lately, least of all for himself. He drifted about his days wondering what to do with himself until he was allowed to start his training for his new position with the government; most of the time he lazed about his apartment, and at night he often lay awake, too scared to fall asleep because of the nightmares that would constantly await him in his dreams.

He opened the door to have his pizza thrust under his nose. The delivery boy took one of the headphones out of his ears; Leon could hear Metallica blasting through the earpiece.

"How Much?"

"Uhhh, $14.50"

Leon thought it was a bit much for one pizza, but considering the time of night and the fact he was far too tired to argue, he handed the boy a ten and a five.

"Keep the change"

"Thanks dude!"

The boy stuffed the money into his shirt pocket and replaced his headphones, strutting off down the hallway as he did so. Leon opened his box, with only half a desire to eat the large 16" pizza.

"Hey, I didn't order anchovies with this pizza!"

The boy was long gone. Leon simply kicked the door closed behind him and shuffled wearily back into his apartment. He was far too exhausted to care. Hell, he didn't even bother to change his socks this morning when he noticed he accidently wore one navy blue and one red. People drifted in and out of his life; some noticing he was troubled, others noticing he was tired, some even noticing how distant and anti-social he was becoming. But none of them did anything about it – not a single person cared enough to do anything more than drop by with a few words of encouragement once in a blue moon.

_Not even a damned phone call from the guys._

The only person to contact him other than his boss (something about a training exercise day of extreme sports, including sky diving, jet-skiing and 'spelunking'… whatever the hell that was) was his old buddy Kevin from the Academy. Simply calling to say he had recently broken up with his girlfriend and would be coming to the city on the 27th.

_And the last thing I want right now is another one of Kev's all night drinking sessions complaining about his love life to a bunch of Johnny Cash songs._

Come to think of it, Leon couldn't remember what day it was today. He walked over to the calendar and saw it was the 29th. One month today. He hadn't even realised.

Without further thought, he picked up his keys and headed to the place he knew he needed to go.

* * *

The gates that had once barricaded the innocent civilians from the Armageddon that was the Raccoon City incident still stood strong; the Amy and Special Forces would not allow any living person to come within a mile of the city limits – yet friends and family of the victims of that fateful day had lay tributes all along the barricade. Over 100,000 people had died, but millions had been made victim of Umbrella's evil. Thousands of tributes – cards, toys, flowers, posters, photographs, littered the barricade for miles, the only scenery beyond the hundreds of miles of now flattened landscape. Yet Leon knew there would be an empty space for one person. She had nobody to mourn her, no friends or family to shed a tear for her. Nobody to miss her now that she's gone.

_Untill today…_

Leon laid the dozen Red Roses against the fence, leaving an anonymous card that only had one word written in his best handwriting. He wiped the stray tears from his face as he turned and walked back to his Jeep. Perhaps all he needed was a good catch up session with his old friend to forget. But Leon knew better than that, for he knew as long as he was alive, the memory of her would live on, and that was something he would not allow himself to forget, no matter how painful it would prove to be.

As he left the baron landscape, he saw the vision of her, just as his memory had kept her, and he knew that wherever she was, she would always be watching over him. For now, leon had learnt that Ada Wong had once belonged to this world, and for one brief moment, she had belonged to him, but something so precious as this was surely not to keep.


End file.
